Necromance in the Air - Chapter XIV (fiction)
Office Politics
We left Debs in an impossible situation as the tank holding an undead whale's heart was failing and her office was being flooded. Meanwhile, Felix and Lucy were trying to work out solutions for rescuing the undead heads working in the call centre, until his former hand turned tentacle monster typed something on his computer. Lucy brought Daniel, our oblivious security guard, into Felix’s office and he opened the door to the call centre.
Look, I told you it was going to just keep getting weirder, and I’m a man of my word.
If you’ve no idea what’s going on and want to catch up here’s the chapter list-
Office politics
Pop, pop, pop.
“What’s going on in there?”
“People are dying, Daniel. They’re dying and there’s nothing we can do to save them, okay? How do you feel about that?” Felix said, spinning around on his chair like a Bond villain, and pointing at Daniel. “Well Daniel? Are you happy? How do you feel?”
“Terrible?”
“That’s right, you should feel terrible. Their heads are exploding because the unholy goop keeping them sane is flooding their skulls under the pressure of a whale’s pressure. We’re not built for whale hearts, Daniel, so heads go bang!”
“Felix,” Lucy said, “I know you’re upset about this, but I haven’t adjusted to the fact that you have a call centre filled with zombie heads yet, and I knew things were going to be weird. I don’t think Daniel is quite ready—”
“That’s right, you knew things were going to be weird. How did you know Lucy? Why are you here? How did you know that man outside?”
“Bursting heads?” Daniel said, taking a step towards the tinted glass windows.
“This isn’t the time, Felix. You need to explain what your hand typed,” Lucy said.
Felix, face fixed into a scowl, glanced down at the tentacle creature that was now sitting on his lap, then back at Lucy. “You seemed nice. I thought, in comes this strange woman who helps me in my hour of need. Chopping off my arm and stopping me from being devoured by a void demon. How brave. She’s made of stern stuff, but it turns out you’re not, are you? Because you knew something was happening in here. You’re not made of stern stuff, you’re more like cooked spaghetti.”
“That’s not fair, Felix. I didn’t expect to walk in on whatever this was. I thought it might be some kind of evil magical pyramid scheme. I’m not cooked spaghetti, I’m uncooked spaghetti.”
Felix spun the office chair back around so he was facing his monitor and facing away from Lucy and Daniel.
“Uncooked spaghetti wasn’t my best come back, but I’m a little flustered,” Lucy said, turning to Daniel.
The security guard was trying to peer through the tinted glass and was murmuring to himself. “Undead bursting heads?”
“Lucy. You knew that man outside,” Felix said.
Lucy flinched and looked at the floor.
“You being here might have saved me, but it might have just killed the four of us instead. Who are they? Who are you working for?”
Lucy fidgeted, her gaze darting between Felix and Daniel. “Fine. There’s no point hiding it anymore.” She took a deep breath. “I’m here to shut this whole operation down.”
“This operation?” Felix said.
“To stop the terrible things that are happening. I was gathering evidence to prove what you were doing so we could shut you down. I guess my cover’s blown.”
“What?”
“I’m one of the good guys.”
“Lucy, there aren’t any ‘good guys’. That man outside just works for a different company. There are no good guys and bad guys, we’re just people doing our jobs. Those people in there have done nothing except their jobs,” Felix said, gesturing to the call centre beyond the glass, where rows of undead heads rested on their pedestals.”
“Of course you’d say that. You’re a necromancer.”
“Barely. I mean, how’s it any different from any other job?”
“What did the thing type?”
Felix shot up in his chair, staring over Lucy’s shoulder. She whirled to see Daniel holding the handle to the door through to the call center.
“Don’t open that door—”
Daniel hesitated, hand hovering over the door handle. “Bursting heads?” he murmured. His fingers twitched, then tightened as Felix and Lucy both shouted—but it was too late.
“Help us, we’re all—” POP
Meanwhile…
Debs ran up the stairwell, panting as she carried a heavy duty rubbish bag over one shoulder like a grotesque Father Christmas. She took the steps two at a time and burst through the door into the reception area. “Daniel, we’re in trouble,” she shouted. Then stopped dead as she realised there was nobody there. “You’ve got to be kidding me. He’s as useless as Felix—”
A high-pitched scream cut through the air and she ran towards it, throwing herself through the door to Felix’s office and ploughing straight into Lucy. As they tumbled to the floor, the black rubbish bag flew across the room and its contents spilled out. Several human heads bounced across the thin carpet tiles of the office to the soundtrack of expletives and grunts of surprise.
One head rolled to a stop by Daniel’s feet and the security guard recoiled without making a sound. His foot slipped, and he stood on the head before falling into the wall. The head bounced across the floor like a ghoulish football until it came to a rest beneath Felix’s office chair.
“Nice to meet you too,” the head said.
As Debs untangled herself from Lucy and looked around the room, the sight of Daniel greeted her. A splattering of fleshy pulp covered his uniform and part of his face as he stared into the distance. Felix was standing in the opposite corner of the room while behind him, something growled and whined.
“Don’t lose your head, Debs,” Felix said. He glanced toward Daniel, who still stood frozen in shock, uniform dripping with gore.
“Hilarious. What was that scream?”
“That was…him,” Felix said, pointing over at Daniel.
“Oh. I thought it would’ve been her. Listen, we have a big problem.”
“I know.”
“What? How do you know?”
“Wait, what’s your big problem? I mean, apart from the bursting heads and whole lock down—” Debs asked.
“And the freaky spider creature outside and these two numpties?” Felix said, waving at Lucy and Daniel.
“Right, that too,” Debs said, pushing a head with the toe of her trainer so that it was facing away from her.
“I couldn’t see anything anyway,” the head said.
Felix lifted his tentacle-arm. The creature coiled snugly around his stump, its glossy surface glistening under the fluorescent lights. “Handy here has decided he’s on our side, but he’s got bad news for us.”
Debs stepped forward, fingers outstretched. “Does it talk?”
“No—”
“A psychic tentacle. Yup, that sounds about right.”
Felix winced. “It crawled up onto my desk like it owns the place and typed a message on my computer.”
“What?”
“Yeah. It can type. Which is weird as—” Felix winced, grabbing his elbow. “Argh, stop squeezing my arm. You’re not weird. You’re great. You’re an awesome tentacle arm, okay?”
Debs stared at Felix, one eyebrow raised and mouthed, “it can hear us?”
Felix didn’t respond.
“That doesn’t sound like bad news,” Debs said, speaking aloud once more. “Bit weird, but not bad news, really. The company is going to experiment the shit out of you two.”
Lucy was standing behind Debs and brushing herself down. “I’m fine guys, really. Don’t worry about me. Oh my God, are those more heads?”
“Hello, I’m Derek. Love what you’ve done with the place, nice shoes too. I mean, I can’t see the rest of you but kudos for the footwear,” a head said from where it lay on its side.
“What’s wrong with Security man?” Debs asked, pointing her thumb over her shoulder. “Couldn’t handle the heads?”
Felix shrugged. “We don’t know. He opened the door, then one of them exploded all over him…He might have coped with the heads alone, could be the bursting and the brains that tipped him over the edge.”
“Oh,” Debs said. All three of them turned to stare at Daniel, frozen in place, lip quivering.
“So how bad is your bad news?” Debs asked.
“Is it competition?” Lucy asked. “Couldn’t you just tell each other and—”
“The man outside isn’t alone—”
“He’s with a bloody monster spider thing. I know,” Debs said.
“Yes. Now he’s also with a load of people who turned up in several vans and they’re all wearing black robes or black suits.”
“Is their dress code relevant?” Lucy asked.
“Well, it doesn’t scream ‘we’re the good guys’, does it?” Felix said.
“I thought there weren’t any good guys and bad guys,” Lucy said, crossing her arms.
Debs and Felix gave her a double death stare, which is no less potent than a single death stare, as it does nothing except make people feel a little sad inside.
“My bad news is worse,” Debs said.
“Does that mean you win or lose?” Lucy asked.
“The heart’s breaking out, the tank’s toast, and my computer’s fried,” Debs rattled off, yanking a stray pencil from a nearby head. “So… normal Tuesday?”
“Okay, well. Handy typed something else, something that should help. Look at my screen.”
Debs stepped across the room and peered at the monitor, her eyebrows leaping upwards at what she saw. “Is this the key for downstairs?”
“I think so. I’ve never heard the whole thing, but it fits.”
“Then we can escape down there.”
“Yeah, but…” Felix said, then he stepped to the side to reveal the printer.
“Oh, shit.”
“Yeah. You installed it.”
The printer was a squat black rectangle but in the place where a display would have given information about ink remaining, and print jobs, was an eye. A blinking human eye. The print out tray had teeth. “Give me Magenta or you ain’t getting nothing,” it growled.
“It’s in black and white, you ink drinking bastard,” Felix said
“Black and white? This isn’t about colour, it’s about respect. You ungrateful bastards, you won’t even spring for the decent printer paper. Look at this stuff, it’s practically see-through.” It said before spitting out a piece of chewed up paper.
“Just print the pissing thing,” Felix said, slamming his fist down on top of it.
“Oh, that hurt. My printheads are probably all misaligned now. Yup,” it whirred internally, “doesn’t feel right at all.”
“Is that a printer?” Lucy asked.
Daniel made a strangled sound as he pressed his back against the wall, sidestepping the heads. “I think… I think I quit,” he mumbled, voice wobbling.
Debs sighed as she stood up by Felix’s desk and glared at the printer. “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
Whatever you do, do not write any comments, do not like this post, do not share it. If you do you might do something horrific, like provide encouragement to another person for creating something you might, possible, just maybe, enjoy. DON’T FALL INTO THE TRAP!
EXCEPTIONAL!!! TENTACLE-TASTIC!!!!!! 🦑🐙
My inner monster is giggling at these last two episodes.