Necromance in the Air - Chapter X (fiction)
Business hours are over
Debs and Lucy are in Felix’s office, where he’s passed out on the floor following the rapid amputation of his demonic hand. His hand, now a tentacled creature, has scampered to shelter, and Debs is not happy. Meanwhile, Tony is trying to break into the building while Daniel fights for his life trying to keep the door shut.
If you’ve no idea what is going on (and why would you?) you can catch up here -
(I keep things short, so catching up is easy!)
Business hours are over
From beneath the desk came a rattling, followed by a dull slap, a splat. Then several more. Lucy leaned forward, knocking over the bobblehead Yoda on the desk, sending a few scattered paperclips skittering across the keyboard. She held her breath, peering over the desk’s edge—and there it was: a purple tentacle, slithering into view. Inching forwards as if it was reaching for a towel in a communal shower.
Holding her breath, she stared at Debs. The woman who had come in brandishing annoyance like it was a fire extinguisher was offering the tentacle an unwrapped snack sized mars bar. “I once worked in a zoo you know,” Debs said. “That was mostly cleaning up shit as well.”
The tentacle wavered and then reached out towards Debs until it gently wrapped around the top of the mars bar.
“Go on, take it. Don’t worry, it’s not a holy mars bar,” Debs deadpanned, “or blessed, sanctified, or anything celestial. It’s just nougat, chocolate, and caramel. Now take it. Who’s got time to bless one of these…especially not a snack sized one,” Debs muttered. The tentacle daintily wrapped around the Mars bar, disappearing under the desk with a wet slurp and a satisfied belch. “Honestly, you’d think it was a full sized demon the way you two are carrying on. It’s just Felix’s hand,” Debs said, shaking her head as she looked at Lucy.
“Just a possessed tentacle-hand—completely normal,” Lucy stammered, eyebrows scrunching. “Not…alarming…at all.”
“Exactly.”
“You’re very calm,” Lucy said.
“I’m absolutely fucking livid, actually. This isn’t a resting bitch face. I’m genuinely angry right now. What the hell has been going on?”
“Well. I just walked in and he was screaming for help, and his arm was turning into tentacles. Then I tried to get the axe, but then I had to trap it under a bin, and…” Lucy stammered, looking around at the clutter—someone’s forgotten half-empty Starbucks cup, a Christmas mug with a cracked handle, and a handful of thumbtacks scattered around Felix. "I-I don’t know what’s happening.”
Debs looked down at Felix, sighing with the exasperation of a parent at a disobedient child. “You, Felix, are a certified idiot.” She pushed his outstretched arm, the one that was still fully intact, in line with his body with her toe.
Felix didn’t respond. He lay still on the floor, drooling from one side of his mouth onto a flyer for the upcoming company ‘Halloween Happy Hour’.
“I think he’s passed out,” Lucy said, sliding down from the desk and skipping to the opposite corner of the room.
“Temporary paramedic now, are you?” Debs snapped, taking a quick glance under the desk.
“No. Hah, I see what you did—”
“I don’t know who you actually are, but we need to get Felix and his hand down to my office. Then I can write this whole mess up, and…Well, we’ll deal with you.”
“And when you say deal with.”
“I don’t make the rules, but you shouldn’t be here, and you’ve seen all this now, so…” Debs drew a line across her neck with her finger, then shrugged, offering an apologetic smile.
“Right,” Lucy said. “I thought that might be the case.” She grabbed the doorknob and threw open the door to the call centre floor, stepping through and slamming it behind her. Lucy yanked the door closed, grasping the handle with white knuckles, heart pounding. Then she waited. And waited. Finally, she cracked the door open. “Aren’t you supposed to be chasing me?” she asked, slightly offended.
“Nah,” Debs said. “Got a lot on today, to be honest. Now with this whole mess and Felix’s hand. You can run in there if you like. I’ll come and get you later. Do you want me to lock it? There’s a lock on this side if you do.”
“Um…If anyone comes, they’ll just be able to unlock it, then, won’t they?”
“Oh. Yeah, that’s true.”
“Right,” Lucy stood with her hand on the door handle, watching as Debs shifted Felix’s body, rolling him onto his back and folding his arms across his chest. “What you doing that for?”
“I’m going to have to drag him out of here if he doesn’t wake up. Then I can do something about his hand.” The tentacle creature crawled out from under the desk and wrapped itself around Debs’ leg. “Yes. I’m talking about you, who’s a good boy.”
“You’re not freaking out that it’s going to eat you or something.”
“It’s just had a mars bar. It’ll be fine for a bit. Anyway, go on, off you trot.”
“Right. Well, nice meeting you. Just…”
“Go on, you’ve almost got it.”
“Why is there a lock on the inside of this door?”
“There we are. Maybe you’re not as daft as you look, but to be fair, you look really daft.”
“It was shoe polish. It was a whole thing. I wasn’t being racist.”
Debs’ eyebrows shot up, but she nodded and offered a pursed lip smile. “I don’t care.”
“But…but why is there a lock on the—”
“Could you close the door, love? I can’t hear my calls over your chat?” A voice said from behind Lucy.
“Sorry, I just—”
And then…
“Heads? They were people, but they were only heads. They were zombie heads. It’s, it was horrible.”
“They’re quite nice, really. Come on now, you can at least try to help.”
“But they were heads.”
“Oh, what now?” Debs shouted down the corridor as she dragged Felix’s body behind her by his ankles. Debs cursed, dragging Felix over the scratchy office carpet, past the dimly lit ‘Clean Up After Yourself!’ poster, empty cubicles where chairs sat askew. She knocked over a long dead Ficus plant, and let out a sigh as soil spilled onto the carpet.
Behind Felix, holding his arms in the air but achieving nothing to help Debs, was Lucy. She was sobbing. Not a gentle sob either, big heaving sobs, the type of crying that involves a lot of mucus and moisture. “You’re not supposed to be in here, you know,” Debs shouted down the corridor.
“They were talking to people on the phone. One of them spoke to me,” Lucy said, between sobs.
The entrance was dark except for the light outside, but she could see it was a security guard and he looked like he was fiddling with the door. On the other side of the glass, there was another figure, but it was hard to make out much from the shadows.
“Help!” someone shouted.
Debs cursed under her breath as she lurched forward another step, hauling Felix behind her. “Bloody well help yourself, idiots.”
“Daniel,” another voice, this one muted, “just open the bloody door.”
“Tony?” Lucy said, then she dropped Felix’s arms, causing his head to bounce off the floor. She ran beyond Debs down the corridor towards the security guard. “Tony, thank God!” she shouted as she ran. “It’s worse than we thought. I knew you wouldn’t leave me in here. Heads! Tony, they’re using zombie heads, and there’s a tentacle monster. We need to get the full force of the White Order to take them down.”
“Lucy?” came the voice from the door. “I’m impressed you’re still alive. Help me get this door open.”
“No. Watch out. He’s got some kind of spider monster thing and it’s trying to kill me.”
“Don’t listen to him, Lucy. I had to unleash a Star, uh, Crustacean of the light side,” Tony said. “It was the only thing I could think of to break in here after you used the pencil.”
“Because you only gave me one,” Lucy said, as she reached the door and grabbed the handle.
“Yes,” Tony said with a grunt, as he pushed against the door. “Because I thought you’d find your own way out, because you’re intelligent and resourceful, Lucy. We’ve high hopes for you.”
“Stop bloody helping him. He’s a psychopath trying to kill us all!” the security guard shouted.
Lucy peered at the security guard. “Who are you? No, wait, are you Daniel Turbitt?”
“Why does everyone know my sodding name?” Daniel said as he threw his weight against the door once more.
“Have you been crying?” Lucy asked as she tugged the door handle in the opposite direction.
“No. Yes. So what? So have you! Help me shut the door.”
“No.” Lucy stepped back and put her hands on her hips. “Daniel, you’ve got this all wrong. We’re the good guys. It’s these people,” she waved down the corridor at Debs, who was making slow work of dragging Felix along the corridor towards the door, “who are the bad guys?”
“Listen to her, Daniel,” Tony said from the opposite side of the door as he tried to push his way in.
“I can hear you,” Debs said.
“I’m not trying to be rude,” Lucy shouted back down the corridor, “but you have got a room full of zombie heads in there, and that’s not usually good guy behaviour.”
“I am not a guy.”
“Oh, sorry. Quite right to point it out as well, you see what happens when you normalise the patriarchy. These are the bad people, Daniel. Tony here, and, OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” Lucy screamed, falling backwards and scrambling away from the door on her hands and knees. The door rattled as the metal tipped legs of the creature Tony had unleashed smashed against the glass door.
“This is just the, ah, the—”
“He calls it Esmerelda. Who calls a killer spider thing Esmerelda? It’s trying to kill me. He is a bad guy, you stupid cow. He’s been chasing me and being all, ‘Daniel, oh Daniel, I’m going to chop your balls off now’. Does that sound like a good guy to you, does it?”
“Woah, there mate, I didn’t mention your balls. Why would I mention your bollocks? Your balls are your business.”
“Not denying the rest, though, are you? Bloody psychopath.”
“Enough!” Debs shouted as she dropped Felix’s legs and strode towards the counter that served as a reception desk. A single mug sat on the counter with, ‘you don’t have to be dead to work here, but it helps’ printed on it. “None of you people are supposed to be here, and you, spider boy, are not coming in.” She slammed a hand down on the counter. “So fuck off.” Then the siren went off.
This has been Necromance in the Air! If you’re enjoying the trials and tribulations of my ‘The Office’ meets ‘Lovecraft’, rom-zom-necro-com…uh…thing, please let me know!
You may notice this is very heavy on dialogue, that’s my natural style, but in this particular case I’m leaning into it more than usual. I’d be interested to hear your thoughts… I think it would be a fun audio drama… but then, I would think that!
NECROMANCE IN THE AIR WILL BE BACK AT THE WEEKEND. TUNE IN FOR MORE TENTACLES OF MAYHEM, UNDEAD CHEEKY CHAPPIES, AND FAR WORSE THINGS TO COME!!!
I NEED THIS MADE INTO A TV SHOW!!!!